Every so often I forget the password to one of the many sites I write on on the internet, and no matter how I search my password book, I cannot find it – and so I am forced to examine myself to create a new password, a new key to the inner voice of Me that is expressed in the various pages of my blogs.
Since I ceased to write on this site more than a year ago the inner me has been tested by fire, and while its still feeling a little singed at the edges, I don’t think I .. or perhaps I did, to some degree .. have the whole phoenix experience, to emerge remade, or was it simply remodeled.
I drift. I wish I could say it was in a sea of calm, but mostly it is in a sea of confusion, of tested compassion and patience, of wishing and wishful thinking, and wondering where God is in all these adventures. I drift, as though in a row boat with no oars, sail or rudder, gently, quietly, after all of the rapids .. Do I need a holiday, or is that nearly over? Is the slowly rising head of boredom a spur to send me down old paths when I thought I was guided to new? When will the drifting cease, and the fountain of words return, that tell stories and shares thoughts without the struggle of ‘what to say’? A blank page feels like a closed door right now.
Many years ago I met a nun who’s every greeting began with ‘and where is God in your life today’ .. I am sorry I lost track of her, she moved to Canada (from Australia) to study the ‘Spirituality of St Ignatius’, and left me rather floundering with my own. In the many years since that event, I’ve gone through angry and out the other side. I’ve gone through broken and been the re-maker. I’ve gone through a strong desire to change completely, and tried other paths, just to find myself come full-circle, back to where my heart truly is, at the feet of God, wondering ‘what next’ in this crazy adventure I have made of my life. I … have … made … not God, because, while God is the core of my being, it (or he) is not the chooser of my path.
People say that God has a plan for every person, then stand bewildered when the plan includes them dying young, or in some horrible way, or withering into nothingness bound down by pain and sorrow, and those who are left behind stare at the place God was supposed to be and find it empty, and themselves empty, because God did not keep the promises we think it (he) made .. or worse, we are told that God made the promises, just before we (they) destroy ourselves, because the path has been too hard, or was it that we thought we were simply not good enough?
No, I am not suffering from depression. Where is the bit I just wrote about being bored? Boredom and I are not good companions. I have no patience with bulldust, most particularly my own. 🙂
When I decided to reanimate this blog I took my favourite bible (I have 13 versions of the Christian bible, all different, or is it 14 now) and opened it up to find a password, and then when I didn’t like what I read, I went to one of my favourite passages .. and because I think I have been boring enough, let me copy it here. You’ll recognise it –
- If I speak in the tongues of mortals or of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
- If I have the prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
- If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
- Love is patient, love is kind; love is not envious, or boastful, or arrogant
- or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
- it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.
- It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
- Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to the end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end.
- For we know only in part and we prophesy only in part,
- but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end.
- When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways.
- For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we shall see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
- And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.
I have looked into the glass darkly and only seen myself. I have touched the darkness with both hands and found only God. I have been a Spiritual Warrior who desperately wanted to put down her sword .. but no, it is still in my hand. The Sword and the Words are the same being, according to Revelation. Are we at the time when we will reveal ourselves truly, or should we just lay down our hearts and say “Dear God help us. We are lost again”.
The Christians speak of the second coming as an age of miracles when we will be rescued from our own folly. But why should God rescue us again, when we have ignored, denied, denigrated, destroyed and worse, and been hypocrites in ‘his’ name? And continue these behaviors without regard for others. We try to externalize the anti-Christ, when perhaps, we should look within ourselves? The real mystery is why God continues to love all its (his) creations, and I do mean all of them, even after a millennia of bad behaviour.
So I shall lay down my sword and pick up a pen, or at least type on my keyboard, since my writing is pretty awful most of the time. You’ll be seeing me.
Love & Peace