The password to my mind

Every so often I forget the password to one of the many sites I write on on the internet, and no matter how I search my password book, I cannot find it – and so I am forced to examine myself to create a new password, a new key to the inner voice of Me that is expressed in the various pages of my blogs.

Since I ceased to write on this site more than a year ago the inner me has been tested by fire, and while its still feeling a little singed at the edges, I don’t think I .. or perhaps I did, to some degree .. have the whole phoenix experience, to emerge remade, or was it simply remodeled.

I drift.  I wish I could say it was in a sea of calm, but mostly it is in a sea of confusion, of tested compassion and patience, of wishing and wishful thinking, and wondering where God is in all these adventures.  I drift, as though in a row boat with no oars, sail or rudder, gently, quietly, after all of the rapids .. Do I need a holiday, or is that nearly over?  Is the slowly rising head of boredom a spur to send me down old paths when I thought I was guided to new?  When will the drifting cease, and the fountain of words return, that tell stories and shares thoughts without the struggle of ‘what to say’?  A blank page feels like a closed door right now.

Many years ago I met a nun who’s every greeting began with ‘and where is God in your life today’ .. I am sorry I lost track of her, she moved to Canada (from Australia) to study the ‘Spirituality of St Ignatius’, and left me rather floundering with my own. In the many years since that event, I’ve gone through angry and out the other side.  I’ve gone through broken and been the re-maker.  I’ve gone through a strong desire to change completely, and tried other paths, just to find myself come full-circle, back to where my heart truly is, at the feet of God, wondering ‘what next’ in this crazy adventure I have made of my life.  I … have … made … not God, because, while God is the core of my being, it (or he) is not the chooser of my path.

People say that God has a plan for every person, then stand bewildered when the plan includes them dying young, or in some horrible way, or withering into nothingness bound down by pain and sorrow, and those who are left behind stare at the place God was supposed to be and find it empty, and themselves empty, because God did not keep the promises we think it (he) made .. or worse, we are told that God made the promises, just before we (they) destroy ourselves, because the path has been too hard, or was it that we thought we were simply not good enough?

No, I am not suffering from depression.  Where is the bit I just wrote about being bored?  Boredom and I are not good companions.  I have no patience with bulldust, most particularly my own.  🙂

When I decided to reanimate this blog I took my favourite bible (I have 13 versions of the Christian bible, all different, or is it 14 now) and opened it up to find a password, and then when I didn’t like what I read, I went to one of my favourite passages .. and because I think I have been boring enough, let me copy it here.  You’ll recognise it –

  1. If I speak in the tongues of mortals or of angels, but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.
  2. If I have the prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.
  3. If I give away all my possessions, and if I hand over my body so that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
  4. Love is patient, love is kind; love is not envious, or boastful, or arrogant
  5. or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;
  6. it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth.
  7. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
  8. Love never ends. But as for prophecies, they will come to the end; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will come to an end.
  9. For we know only in part and we prophesy only in part,
  10. but when the complete comes, the partial will come to an end.
  11. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways.
  12. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then we shall see face to face. Now I know only in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
  13. And now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.

I have looked into the glass darkly and only seen myself.  I have touched the darkness with both hands and found only God.  I have been a Spiritual Warrior who desperately wanted to put down her sword .. but no, it is still in my hand.  The Sword and the Words are the same being, according to Revelation.  Are we at the time when we will reveal ourselves truly, or should we just lay down our hearts and say “Dear God help us.  We are lost again”.

The Christians speak of the second coming as an age of miracles when we will be rescued from our own folly.  But why should God rescue us again, when we have ignored, denied, denigrated, destroyed and worse, and been hypocrites in ‘his’ name?  And continue these behaviors without regard for others.  We try to externalize the anti-Christ, when perhaps, we should look within ourselves?  The real mystery is why God continues to love all its (his) creations, and I do mean all of them, even after a millennia of bad behaviour.

So I shall lay down my sword and pick up a pen, or at least type on my keyboard, since my writing is pretty awful most of the time.  You’ll be seeing me.

Love & Peace


What do I believe …

I believe that the quickest way to learn something is to ask a lot of questions from people who know what they are talking about, but when you can’t ask the people, can you ask their creations? Would you ask my computer to tell you about me? What a strange tale it might tell. 🙂

Fundamentalists believe the Bible is the ‘unerring Word of God’, a book written by God for humanity, that explains everything in clear and precise terms, with no errors, or contradictions, within itself. It is made up of the Old Testament and the New Testament, with One God only throughout the entire work. But then we have all the other books (gospels) that never made it into the Bible, as we know it today, but existed, and still exist for many Christian church groups, as very important, which can be equally fascinating, and equally mystifying, some of them based on the books already accepted as Canon, and some that go off on puzzling tangents, but all of them relate to the Christian God. So who created them, if God didn’t .. and who gave Irenaeus, and various others, permission to choose what was the ‘true’ Word and what wasn’t? Was it God?

When someone comes up to me and says ‘God told me ..”, my first thought is always ‘which God’? And over the years, any number of people have said exactly that.

Which God? Why is there even such a question, if there is only One God? And why do we even think there is only One God, when the Bible speaks in the plural, right there in the first Book – Genesis. Genesis 1:26 states “Then God said, “Let us make humankind in our image, according to our likeness”. Our Likeness, not ‘my’ likeness. So how many Gods are we talking about? And does that have anything to do with the fact that the Jewish rabbis teach God has seventy-two names? Perhaps there are actually seventy-two Gods?

I believe there are two Gods in the Christian Bible, the first is called Jehovah, for the most part, and the other Jesus called out to from the Cross – “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” Why didn’t Jesus simply call him Jehovah, in that time of crisis, if it was his name? After all, Jesus grew up reading, learning and quoting the Old Testament.

Believing in two Gods makes me a Docetist of sorts, although I don’t believe that Jesus was not a man, but just pretending to be, and it certainly allows the possibility that the OT God could be such a monster, while the NT God was trying to teach us to Love and forgive. Once I started to understand this viewpoint, and the Gnostic way of looking at things, I was less in conflict in my heart and mind trying to turn the two Gods into one. And now I wonder why other people cannot see, or choose not to, that it might actually be true? No, they would rather turn away from ‘all’ Gods, or follow Pagan ones, than try and live with the conflict in their minds, or worse, become so virulent and angry trying to hold their faith together that they will attack the beliefs of others, or the person themselves, and condemn us all to hell? Is that what God wants? And no, I am not a Docesist, nor a Gnostic, I am, like so many others, a Christian, because I believe in Christ.

And so I invest time and money in hunting the Christian Bible for things that show it is a book written by men, and I find them .. and so do many others, like this site of Skeptics Annotated Bible, which, while some of the contradictions might be from badly translated bibles, does show that the book has its problems.

Theologists try to find the facts among the fiction in the Bible, which is why I decided I wanted to be like them and went to University to learn their techniques. The training has stood me in good stead. It has shown me how to be critical in my reading, and how to look at the issue, and not the person who believes it. After all, I am as intense in my beliefs as the average fundamentalist, and will debate my case as well as I can, given the opportunity .. and I do love a good debate. LOL

So let’s slip back into reviewing the God of the OT .. because I have questions .. lots of questions.

Love & Peace